


in days and nights

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cheating, Hanahaki Disease, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Insecurity, M/M, Mentions of Blood, i put my own twist on hanahaki, im actually p proud of it, im sorry jaemin, implied mark/donghyuck, mark pls dont lead jaemin on, original concept, renmin, taeyong is a doctor, this was a vent fic? but i made it longer uwu, vent fic lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:43:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21600946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: he knew,why else would he be in this position?
Relationships: Mark Lee/Na Jaemin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 55





	1. tonight

jaemin wasn’t stupid, he knew what was happening, what he didnt know was why?

scratch that. 

he knew the answer,

he knew. 

for what other reason would he be in this position? 

its not like he had eyes for someone else besides mark,

mark lee, the boy he would rip his heart out for if he was asked,

mark lee, his beautiful star boy, star dust littered upon his prominent cheekbones, eyes holding jaemin’s every hope and dream in the form of stars; his body painted in constellations. 

mark lee, his lover, his best friend, his everything. 

a disgusting sound makes its way out of jaemin’s throat, his eyes tear up again at the sound of it.

‘stop crying jaemin, you fucking idiot, stop it’ 

mark doesn’t love jaemin anymore.

why couldn’t he just accept it? 

it was obvious really, it’s not like mark was trying to hide it. 

he never smiled at jaemin the way he smiled at donghyuck, everyone could tell, even jaemin, 

poor, lovesick, oblivious, blinded jaemin. 

and donghyuck looked at him with the same vigor, wanted mark just as bad. 

the donghyuck he called his best friend, the donghyuck he called in the dead of night to comfort him when mark neglected him another day. 

donghyuck who was so helplessly in love with his best friend’s boyfriend. 

jaemin couldn’t hate him for it, he felt guilty; he was in the way. 

he couldn’t blame mark either, donghyuck was everything jaemin wasn’t. 

jaemin was nice, took everything he was given with a smile, jaemin never pushed too hard, he was boring, forgettable, a placeholder, he was quiet, invisible. 

donghyuck was amazing, he would tease you till you broke, he was funny, he was one of a kind, extraordinary, unforgettable, he was loud, he was beautiful. 

most importantly, he was mark’s. 

maybe mark was jaemin’s boyfriend, but that didn’t mean anything. donghyuck was the one who was truly in mark’s heart. 

so another night he spends on the bathroom floor, wishing he was there for more conventional reasons, he wishes that he were hunched over the toilet, puking his guts out from getting wasted on this sunday night, wished he would wake up with a hangover tomorrow morning, wishes that he would have to force himself to get up for his 8 am, only to end up 15 minutes late. 

another night he spent alone on the floor of his tiled bathroom. once white, stained red, jaemin drowns in the freshly fallen tears and bloody, broken, daisies that have clawed their way out of his lungs. 

another night jaemin clutches his chest in agony, squeezes his eyes shut as he takes in short, pained breaths, convinces renjun he’s wasted, another night jaemin ponders on how love was so painful, thinks about how many mangled daisies he could collect before his lungs decide that they were more beautiful consuming his last breath.


	2. today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> renjun knows jaemin is lying to him and he’s going to find out why.

to be frank, renjun is worried. he knows jaemin is lying to him, and honestly it hurt him, but he knows jaemin. and jaemin doesn’t lie unless its for a good reason. 

he’s going to find out why. 

“jaemin!” his voice echos, and he figures the apartment is empty until he hears a small rustling coming from the door down the hallway. 

‘the bathroom?’ 

he freezes, that could be jaemin, or a ridiculously cute and potentially dangerous animal he brought home off the street again, stupid jaemin and his stupidly big heart.

just to be cautious renjun tiptoes to the kitchen, grabbing the newly cleaned pot that jaemin probably forgot to put up. 

the bathroom is only a couple feet away, but his small strides make it feel like miles, and he begins to ponder on why jaemin would be in the bathroom in the first place, besides the fact that jaemin has been getting drunk a lot recently, which renjun found odd because jaemin didn’t typically like alcohol. then again, mark exists so he wouldn’t blame jaemin if he actually believed he was getting drunk on a wednesday afternoon with class the next day. he’s a psychology major, jaemin is definitely not stupid, and he takes school very seriously. 

he finally gets to the door when the rustling becomes louder, with a cautious hand he grips the handle and cracks the door. he peeks in and calls out to jaemin, not seeing anything at first glance, until he somehow loses his balance and the door falls further open. 

what he sees causes him to freeze and drop the pot with a clatter against wooden floor, covering his mouth with trembling hands. 

his eyes well up with tears as he wills himself to move, to run and hold jaemin in his arms, to get him some help of some kind, but he can’t. he can’t move, he can’t think, all he can do is look at jaemin, his graphic tee soaked in his own blood, full blooms of daisies mangled and broken in crimson, dried tears upon his cheeks. renjun takes in a shaky, broken breath and feels his knees give out from under him. 

“i’m sorry,” he whispers, “i’m so sorry jaemin-ah.”

his tears fall like the rain that thunders against the rooftop and falls upon the window pains. 

it was ironic, really. 

with that, renjun sees jaemin open his eyes to look at him, no surprise evident, and that scares him even more than the thought of him being dead. 

but that motion was the first thing that convinced renjun to move, to get up and hold the boy he loves in his arms. 

he crawls over the younger, jeans soaking up spare blood covering the floor as he moves to hold jaemin, who’s eyes were freshly filled with tears. 

jaemin opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out, and renjun feels the urge to break into a sob. 

“stop,” he grabs jaemin’s hand, cold and covered in dried blood, renjun starts to realise how long jaemin had been here, “im calling an ambulance.”

even with the sharp pains from his pounding headache, jaemin shakes his head furiously, “you can’t,” he somehow managed to grind out, pain evident on his face as the tears finally fell from his eyes, “mark and hyuck, you cant.. tell.” 

renjun scoffs through his tears, “they deserve to know how much they’ve put you through.” 

the younger looks at him with horror stricken in his eyes, as if renjun just claimed he was going to commit murder against newborn puppies. he envisions the image of hyuck trembling, sobbing to him, guilt ridden as he apologises profusely and squeezes his eyes shut in pain of that thought alone, brows furrowed as he shakes his head again. 

at this point jaemin was looking worse every second, he had lost too much blood and renjun was desperate, “if i cover for you and don’t tell them will you go? please, jaemin.” 

the image of the younger, blood spilling from his colourless lips, honey orbs glassy as he lets his tears fall freely, skin pale as his face contorts in pain with every move, will permanently be engraved within renjun’s memory. 

jaemin nods, and the elder thanks every higher power known to man as he calls 119. 

“119 what’s your emergency?” 

the ambulance arrives quickly, and renjun feels his fingers itch to tap on donghyuck’s contact and tell him exactly what was going on, but he made an agreement, and he wont go back on it.

besides, its not like he and mark were around to care, they’re out of town on some two day “best friend” trip by themselves. everyone knew they were going there to be alone, to give into their desire for one another. 

jaemin knew too, how could he not, with the pitying looks jeno and chenle threw at him when mark brought it up at their meet up? 

jaemin sitting beside renjun and jisung as his boyfriend and best friend sat beside each other in a booth across from chenle and jeno, hands not so secretly intertwined underneath the table. 

even then jaemin couldn’t find it in himself to be angry, only pathetically thinking about how happy minhyung looked next to donghyuck. 

renjun gets to the hospital when he decides he can’t handle this alone, and he calls the only person he feels won’t blow up and tell the cheating bastard that is mark. 

“hyung? what’s wrong? why are you crying?” 

renjun feels his hand unconsciously grip the phone tighter as his breath grows short, “jaemin,” he hiccups, “hospital. lots of blood. please, i can’t- i can’t do this alone. please ji-“ 

“hyung! calm down! have you told mark?” 

his breath hitches, “no! you can’t, i promised jaemin i wouldn’t! please jisung, please just come, please.” 

renjun has never felt more comforted by the lower octave of jisung’s voice, “renjun-hyung, calm down please, i’m coming okay? i wont tell anyone, i’ll be there soon.” 

jisung comes faster than he should, speeding at the thought of jaemin hurt. 

when he runs into the hospital doors he sees renjun in the empty lobby, he rushes to hold him and renjun’s knees give out once more, falling to the floor sobbing in jisung’s embrace. 

jisung’s usually awkward comfort has become a godsend, steady hand stroking his hair, whispering the most comforting statements he can muster.

once his breathing steadies, renjun looks to meet jisung’s worried eyes, tears falling at a steady pace.

jisung feels a hand on his back grip the material of his hoodie, and watches as the elders brows furrow, “jaemin,” he sniffles, “he has hanahaki.” 

the younger feels his blood run cold, “hana...haki...jaemin..?” 

“i found him, he was in the bathroom, there was blood everywhere, daisies on the floor,”

“daisies? aren't those marks favourite flower?”

the hand gripping his hoodie only grips harder, so hard his hands begin to tremble, teeth gritted as his eyes drip fury, “i’m going to kill him.” 

jisung is never in this position, he’s never the one to calm, always the one being calmed, but he takes everything he’s learned from jaemin and puts it into action. cupping renjun’s cheeks in his large palms, tilting his head up to make eye contact, fighting every urge to look away out of awkwardness he stares into renjun’s glass orbs, “jaemin is more important hyung, we’ll deal with mark later.”

the rare intimacy from jisung causes renjun to pause, hand going limp as his bottom lip is caught between his teeth. nodding, his eyes shy away from jisung.

“alright,” the younger whispers, “let’s sit in the chairs okay? is there anything you want? are you cold?” 

jisung is never this sweet, but renjun was too cold to question it, asking jisung is he had a spare hoodie in his car he could borrow. 

jisung comes back with a hoodie thats large even on him, it completely swallows the elder. soon after they sit down, a doctor walks out, “na jaemin?” 

renjun shoots up, “yes? is he okay?” 

“he has reached the mid stage of hanahaki, the flowers are progressing slowly. he’s conscious, but he hit his head when he fell, so he’s a bit confused, but he gave consent for you to give any possible information that may lead to know how he had contracted this disease. it’s important to know the cause, so we may possibly prevent the worst case scenario.” 

“jaemin has a boyfriend, who i believe believe never loved him. unfortunately, jaemin is head over heels for him. mark- his boyfriend, has been treating him like utter crap for months, but in the past month or so, he’s become more open with it. by cheating on jaemin with his best friend. i don’t know how long jaemin has had it, but i assume its probably been about a month.” 

the doctor hums in thought, “well it doesn’t happen often, but jaemin is lucky.” 

jisung stands, “what do you mean? doctor...?” 

the doctor’s lips lift into a half smile, “lee, lee taeyong. i’m a hanahaki specialist.”

renjun freezes, “lee donghyuck...” 

taeyong quirks an eyebrow, “donghyuck? he’s my brother, you know him?” 

it takes everything in renjun to not let his anger spill out of him like an overflowing sink, his hands clench, fingernails digging into his palms. eyes narrowing as he lets venom fall from his lips, 

“his secret boyfriend is who caused this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :-)


	3. tonight

Taeyongs eyes widened in disbelief. “What did you say?”

The palms of Renjun’s hands turn crimson. “ I  _ said _ the boy your little brother is sneaking around with, is  _ Jaemin’s _ boyfriend.”

Jisung, feeling really out of place with so much tension in the room, moves his eyes towards Renjun’s clenched fist. His eyebrows furrow as he reaches for the elder’s hand. “Hyung?”

Renjun whips his head around to look at the younger with hardened eyes. “What?”

“Uhh.. your palms are bleeding..”

Renjun looks down at his hands, quickly moving his eyes back up to taeyongs, ignoring the blood that's beginning to fall from his palms. “It’s fine.” 

Taeyong’s eyes widen at the sight, rushing to grab Renjun’s hands. “C’mon, Mr. Na isnt awake yet, but I have extra bandages in there, let me help you so they won’t get infected okay?”

“Fine, but we need to finish talking about Jaemin’s condition when we get there.” 

Taeyong nods, leading them to Jaemin’s room. Where they find Jaemin, awake. 

“Oh, Mr. Na-“

“Just Jaemin is fine, please.” 

Taeyong clears his throat. “Jaemin, I didn’t know you were awake yet.” 

Jaemin doesn’t respond, looking at Renjun, he moves his eyes down to see his hands. “Renjun,” he scolds. “I told you to stop doing that, it’s not a good habit!” 

The elder frowns, looking away from Jaemin. “Jaem, look around you for a second, you almost died, and you want to talk about my hands being hurt? Shut up,  _ please _ and think about yourself for once.” He motions to the doctor. “This is Dr. Lee Taeyong, I assume you know what that means.” 

Jaemin sighs. “I knew who he was when he stepped into the room, but obviously he doesn’t know me.” 

Taeyong frowns. “I don’t know how Donghyuck has never mentioned you before, he talks about all of his friends… Chenle, Jeno,” he moves his eyes to the two boys who stood beside him. “Renjun, Jisung, and Minhyung.” 

Jaemin flinches, looking away. 

  
  


“But never a Jaemin.” 

  
  
  
  


Hearts crack and wither at the sound of Jaemin’s laugh diluted with tears. 

“It’s okay-“ 

Renjun snaps. “It’s not okay!  _ Jaemin _ , Donghyuck comes to you and asks for help, asks for you to be a shoulder to cry on, he takes and he takes and he takes from you and he doesn’t even talk about you? For fucks sake Jaemin, he took your boyfriend!” 

Jaemin hiccups. “Why does it seem like.. y-you’re more angry at Hyuck than Mark..?” 

Renjun sighs. “Because I am more angry at him Jaemin, he took advantage of you. I’m mad at Mark too, don’t get me wrong, but Donghyuck is your best friend. Best friend’s don't do this shit- would I ever do this Jaemin?” 

Jaemin shakes his head,

“ _ Exactly _ .”

“Do you mind if I say something?” Taeyong asks.

“No, go ahead.” 

"Okay but you need to take these as words from a friend and not from a doctor because it is really unprofessional of me to get involved with a patient's personal life." 

Jaemin nods in compliance. 

“Donghyuck is my brother, I know him better than anybody, and every bone in my body is telling me to confront him myself, but I can’t because of patient confidentiality.” He starts, “But even if I could, I wouldn’t. Jaemin- as much as this pains me to say, Donghyuck is using you, and you’re letting him get away with it by not confronting him about this. As far as I can tell, you’re a sweet and selfless boy, but you’re also an easy target because you don’t understand your worth. I know for a fact that you're not enjoying being treated like a doormat, but that's going to continue if you don't start treating yourself like a person and not an object.” 

The doctor motions to Renjun and Jisung, “They love you, and they know how much you’re worth, Jaemin. Let them help you okay?” 

Silence pursues the room as the group watches Jaemin, his lip trembling as he lets tears fall freely from his glass orbs. 

"Jaemin-ah." Renjun calls.

  
  
  


"You're Important." 

  
  
  


Jaemins self worth journey begins there, and as he walks out of the hospital he remembers their words with every step.

  
  
  


_ "Jaemin at this rate your condition should be fatal, but it isn't. That raises many flags for my team and I."  _

_ Jaemin swallows. "Bad flags?"  _

_ The doctor smiles. "Hardly. Jaemin, your Hanahaki- as gathered from testing and what you've relayed to me, is stagnant. It won't progress any further."  _

_ "T-That isn't possible.." Jaemins voice breaks.  _

_ "Oh dear, but it is. Hanahaki is a killer, yes. But as it's very uncommon, there are many misleading ideas of the disease," Taeyong starts. "Hanahaki is a disease that contracts based off unrequited love, many people believe that the only ways out are death or getting surgical removal of the flowers, that results in the loss of memory and feeling for the individual they have feelings for, but that is incorrect. There are loopholes in the system that many people choose to ignore because of how tragic the disease sounds on the surface."  _

_ "Loopholes? What do you mean?"  _

_ "Well Jaemin, the root of Hanahaki starts in the subconscious mind, when you believe something- for this instance, unrequited love so strongly your mind reacts by producing a chemical that creates the flowers in your lungs. But the simple fact is that you convince yourself that you could die for this person, and that is what begins the process of the flowers forming."  _

_ "Umm, I don't want to sound dumb, but can you explain it again... Or in a different way because I don't really understand..." _

_ "Hanahaki is basically a disease that feeds off a lie Jaemin, lies and obsession." _

_ Jaemin stares at him.  _

_ "Do you love Mark, Jaemin?" _

_ The younger flinches at the mention of his cheating boyfriend's name, but nods slowly.  _

_ "Do you really?"  _

_ And well, Jaemin had never questioned it.  _

_ "Do you love him enough to die for him, Jaemin?" _

_ He doesn't know, he doesn't know if the pain of loving Mark is worth that.  _

_ "I... I don't know..."  _

_ Taeyong nods and smiles at the boy. "That's why your Hanahaki has not progressed, your subconscious mind is no longer sure of that. You're confused and hurt, and you have every right to be Mr. Na."  _

_ Jaemin raises his hand signalling Taeyong to stop, shaking his head he questions him confusedly. "Wait, wait, wait, so what you're saying is... Most of the time when people have Hanahaki it's because they've fooled themselves into believing they love someone more than they actually do?"  _

_ Taeyong grins. "Exactly. This is sad to hear, but most people who contract Hanahaki aren't in love at all. They're obsessed with the idea of being in love with a person, and a lot of the time, the person is completely different than what the patient thinks. They usually fabricate a version of that person that they would like to fall in love with."  _

_ The elder looks at Jaemin and continues with a sad smile. "Not you though. You were in love with Minhyung, completely and wholeheartedly, but I believe you've realised in there," he motions to Jaemin's heart. "That loving him isn't worth it."  _

  
  
  


Is loving Mark worth it? The pain? The choking and suffocating, the heart wrenching aching, and the shattering of his self worth. Is Mark- who doesn't even care, is he worth all that? 

This is a question that Jaemin asks himself frequently over the next couple months. 

Within those three and a half months, he hasn't seen Mark once, he hasn't even visited his own apartment, decided that he would stay with Renjun and Jeno while he recovers.

For the first two weeks, Jaemin couldn't breathe, he coughed and he choked and he bled. He collected the flowers that fell from his mouth. 

For the Next two months, Jaemin found it hard to breathe, but he wasn't suffocating, and he wasn't breaking. He was learning, he could tell someone no. (Everyone except the poor stray puppies he would occasionally sneak in.) 

For the last month, Jaemin could finally breathe clearly, he could smile, he could laugh and cry and God, Jaemin could feel. Jaemin found a new light in someone, he started to believe in himself and for the first time in years, Jaemin didn't feel hopeless

One day during that time, Jaemin doesn't feel himself wince at the thought of going back to that apartment. An apartment he can't bring himself to call home. The place where he's at now, this is home, with Renjun. 

On that very day, Jaemin decides that Mark lee is no longer the centre of his universe. When he thinks of Mark Lee, he doesn't think of stars and honey, dreams and pretty red flushes. He thinks of pain, of the red of his blood when he coughed and choked and suffocated on the flowers Mark thought were so beautiful. 

Oh, but when he thought of Renjun, he thinks of all things sweet, caramel taffy Renjun loves to snack on a little too much (that he's sure would leave a lovely taste in his mouth if he got the chance to press his lips against his.) he thinks of arms that held him while he was at his weakest, lips that told him how important and loved he was, eyes that folded into a smile whenever Jaemin did, well, just about anything. 

And on that final day he knew the answer to that question. 

No, Loving Mark Lee is definitely not worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> twt: @renjunsins 
> 
> cc: @KITHJUN
> 
> (pls talk to me im in need of friends)


End file.
